Park Minjun

Auf dieser Welt bin ich wahrscheinlich der einzige Mensch der alles so sieht wie es wirklich ist. Es sind keine Emotionen im Weg, die mich irgendwie behindern können und eigentlich habe ich damit den größten Vorteil. Aber andere Menschen sind im Weg, sie wollen mich von allem abhalten, lassen mich nichts tun. So wirst du aber nichts verstehen, also will ich es etwas genauer erklären. Anscheinend betrifft mich eine Krankheit, die sogenannte dissoziale Persönlichkeitsstörung. Kurz gesagt bedeutet es, dass ich nicht so bin wie die anderen und wahrscheinlich auch ein paar Probleme mit Aggressionen habe. Das verstehe ich aber nicht, ich sehe oft wie die Jungs auf dem Schulhof sich prügeln, und wenn ich mitmache fangen sie plötzlich an zu schreien und zu weinen und alle sagen ich soll aufhören. Ich glaube sie mögen mich einfach nicht und versuchen mir jetzt irgendeine Krankheit in die Schuhe zu schieben. Vor allem waren meine Eltern geschockt als sie das gehört haben, sie haben überhaupt nicht akzeptiert was die Ärzte zu sagen hatten und sind einfach rausgestürmt. Warum sie wohl so wütend sind?
"Halt endlich den Mund!" Ein weiterer Schlag von meiner Mutter, diesmal wollte ich eigentlich zubeißen, sie war aber schneller als ich. Während ich versuchte mit meinen kurzen Beinen irgendwie meine Mutter zu erwischen packte mich ein Fremder Mann an den Armen und mein Vater fing an mir die Kleider auszuziehen. Es war eigentlich das gleiche wie immer, ich sollte mich schon daran gewöhnt haben, sagten sie jedenfalls. Aber ich hasste was sie taten, ich verstand es nicht. Warum berührt ihr mich? Warum blute ich? Warum schlagt ihr mich? Warum müsst ihr mir wehtun? Warum sieht Mama so angewidert aus und filmt trotzdem alles ganz genau mit ihrer Kamera? Irgendwann verstand ich warum. Sie machten Filme aus den Videos von mir und gaben sie irgendwelchen Leuten, die ich nicht kannte. Warum verstand ich aber nicht, was sollten sie mit solchen Videos? Das verstand ich auch später. Für sie fühlt es sich gut an wenn es mir wehtut. "Achso." Sagte ich bei den nächsten malen nur, immer und immer wieder bis mich meine Mutter wieder schlagen musste, damit ich endlich still wurde.
In der Schule spielte ich manchmal mit einem Mädchen, dass immer Puppen dabei hatte. Sie spielte mit keinem mit ihren vielen Puppen, also setzte ich mich zu ihr und spielte mit. Es schien sie nicht zu stören was ich sagte, oder was ich mit ihren Puppen tat. Manchmal lachte sie sogar. Die Lehrer meinten, das Mädchen sieht ganz viele Dinge die ich nicht sehe, aber sie sieht mich die meiste Zeit gar nicht. Das fand ich schön. Sie war meine einzige Freundin, aber manchmal wurde sie langweilig und ich versuchte ihre Puppen zu klauen und manchmal sie zu verprügeln. Die Lehrer beobachtete mich aber, also ging das nicht.
Eigentlich war mein Leben ziemlich langweilig, alle sagten ich bin besonders, aber besonders zu sein machte das Leben nicht interessant. In der Schule sollte ich still sein und mich nicht bewegen, sonst würde ich angeschrien werden. Zuhause sollte ich still sein und mich nicht bewegen während ich vergewaltigt wurde, das Wort habe ich übrigens letztens gelernt. Sonst wurde ich angeschrien und geschlagen. Danach schlief ich, aber wenn ich nicht schlafen konnte kletterte ich aus meinem Fenster und lief draußen herum. Einmal hatte ich mir meinen kleinen Finger dabei gebrochen. Bei Nacht ist es viel angenehmer, es ist einfacher bei Leuten einzubrechen. Sobald ich genug Geld habe würde wollte ich einen Baum anzünden. Dazu brauchte ich aber ein Feuerzeug.
"Du bist das größte Stück Scheiße, dass ich hätte bekommen können! Gott, warum kannst du nicht normal sein?! Warum musst du alles anzünden und zerstören und jeden verletzen?! Du sollst still sein!" Seit dem vorherigen Tag schlug mich meine Mutter ununterbrochen, wenn sie müde wurde kam mein Vater rein und starrte mich an. Er ging wohl nur sicher, dass ich nicht wegrannte. Aber sie hatte mich sowieso schon so blutig geschlagen, dass ich wirklich nicht ans wegrennen dachte. Ich wurde wohl von der Schule suspendiert und das freute sie nicht. Noch einmal ist sie reingekommen um mir in den Bauch zu treten, ich fing an zu kotzen. Danach kam sie nicht mehr wieder. Für Tage. Wenn ich ein wenig Kraft fand, stand ich auf und versuchte die Tür zu öffnen. Ich bemerkte, dass abgeschlossen war, und sie mich so lange ohne Wasser und Essen leben ließen, wie sie konnten. Egal was für widerliche Dinge mir in ihren Videos angetan wurden, danach wurde es noch schlimmer. Denn ich war verzweifelt und klammerte mich an jede Chance zu überleben. Jede kleinste Chance. Und plötzlich war es da.
"Limonade! Ich verkaufe frische Limonade! Nur einen Cent oder so, keine Ahnung, gibt aber Limonade!" Fröhlich schrie ich die gesamte Nachbarschaft voll, mein Grinsen war so breit wie noch nie zuvor. Ich war so furchtbar glücklich, dass mein Gesicht wehtat und das gleiche eingefrorene Grinsen auf meinem Gesicht war. "Oh, Miss! Würden Sie nicht gerne ein Glas Limonade haben? Frisch aus Kirschen gemacht." Eine müde wirkende Frau lief langsam an ihm vorbei und schaute nur träge hoch. Nicht viel los in seiner Nachbarschaft. Doch sie schien ganz plötzlich wach und begann loszurennen. "Oh, naja. Erzählen sie bitte jedem von meinem Limonadenstand!" Fröhlich ließ ich mich wieder auf dem Stuhl sinken und wackelte mit den Füßen, auf meinen nächsten Kunden wartend. Der ließ sogar nicht lange auf sich warten. Hastig hüpfte ich auf die Beine und kicherte vergnügt. "Würden sie gerne etwas Limonade haben?" Ich steckte meinen Finger in die zähe, dunkle Flüssigkeit. Die Mühe es ganz zu einem Saft zu machen hatte ich mir nicht gemacht, es waren noch einige Stückchen Fleisch hier und da zu sehen und andere Dinge die ich damals nicht hätte benennen können. Ich war zehn Jahre alt und habe drei Personen umgebracht, zwei davon waren meine Eltern.
Ich musste nichts sagen, ich musste mich nicht verteidigen. Ich musste nur lachen, wenn ich daran dachte, wie sie in mein Zuhause reinkamen und alles zerstört gesehen haben mussten, die ganzen Videos von mir fanden, und letztendlich meine Arbeit im Keller sehen konnten. Ich musste die ganze Zeit lachen, weil es so witzig war. Und sie steckten mich wortlos in eine Klinik. Und in die nächste. Bei jeder hielten sie meine Attacken länger aus. Doch nie lang genug. Und es ging zur nächsten. Bis ich meinen kleinen Engel traf.

I always thought that fish were a very calming sight. In the little river we had in town I would spot them swimming against the current to stay in place. It was absurd for a creature like that to be surrounded by gray asphalt and survive. And yet there it was, trapped between streets, buildings and whatever other strange concept us humans have come up with. Thinking about these things didn't make me feel anything in particular, I had many thoughts that would at the end only stumble against thumping silence. Slowly I got up, it was starting to get dark and my parents were expecting me at home.
And the next day I would sit there again, after school, pressing my naked feet against the grass and watch these fish come and go, like that each day was very much the same. I would stay in the same place all the time, like those fish swimming against the current. It was a quiet world, but you must understand that keeping your mouth shut is the only thing you can do in this world. Otherwise they will rip your mouth off and make you unable to open it again. Just like you are doing to me right now, but you didn't just seal my lips, you tied my up my legs and hands as well to make unable to do anything again.
-
"You see, miss, we have no doubt that Minjun is a very talented student. He gets very good grades and the papers he returns are undoubtedly remarkable, it's just that the topics he chooses seem to be... rather advanced for his age. Recently his homework was to just describe his day in english and he started building many questions into it, like if those daily things are really worth doing and if they even have meaning and such. I can't say that it doesn't worry me that a 3rd grader writes about these topics in so much depth. On the other hand he seems to have great problems when we talk about what a character must be feeling for example. I was wondering, what kinds of books does Minjun read at home?"
When my mother gave me a blank stare I raised my head and replied instead.
"Not stories I guess... I like to read books about animals." I thought that would make me sound somewhat like a child my age. My teacher also smiled in response.
"Well it's obvious that you are very good at sciences Minjun. But I was thinking that you could start going to the library and read some books about kids like you, with stories about friendship and adventures in it. Does that sound alright?" I nodded and my teacher was already overjoyed. I was calm and that made her nervous in a way. She couldn't that it's because my mother was watching me very carefully and I did not want to cause any trouble in front of her.
"Well... there's another topic I wanted to discuss with you in particular Miss Park. Your son does not really get along with the other children in his class. Is there any reason for that?" She immediately showed her that flashing smile, with her eyes glittering as friendly as they possibly could.
"Oh my little boy has always had trouble with that. I think he doesn't know what to talk about with the others. It's very strange since me and my husband are both outgoing and have always spent a lot of time with him outside. These days he's just stuck in his room reading all day." With a sigh she gently let her fingers rest on her lips and looked at me, I decided to continue staring at my knees while they talk.
"I see... of course everyone has different personalities, but I think it would be really good for you if you would play with them from time to time, right Minjun?" I nodded.
"Well then... I don't think there's anything else we need to talk about. Thank you for your time Miss Park."
"Thank you as well."
I don't think I ever felt a certain way about them. I knew I had to love my parents, so I said that I love my parents. But really for them it was also just an act they had to keep up, stroking my head gently while the teachers talked to us, looking at me lovingly. I knew it wasn't real, I wasn't stupid. Although sometimes when I looked at my mothers profile from the side my chest would suddenly feel drained and it was when I noticed that it was empty. So very empty I could only feel the blood gushing out of my heart when I noticed that I never felt love and I was never loved before. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
-
"Would you look at that! You finally came! Your teacher told me about you weeks ago and that I should be patient, but you ended up taking weeks. I'm honestly surprised you even came at this point..." The librarian started babbling as soon as she saw me, stopping for a second when she got a proper look at me. She tilted her head a little and then nodded, showing me that unbelievable bright smile again.
"I didn't have time."
"That's understandable, even you grade schoolers have much to do these days. I'm glad you're here. So, let's find you a nice book to start out with, right?"
We walked around the library the entire evening, she showed me childrens books and briefly told me what they were about, before I said that it was boring and we moved on. She still didn't give up, trying to find anything that could be interesting for me.
"How about this... a story about an angel who comes down to earth to stop a human from becoming a demon. It sounds serious, but is actually very funny and it has cute illustrations." Somewhat interested, I grabbed the book to look at the cover. Both the angel and the human were boys and I noticed that I thought the angel really did look very cute.
It was... my favorite book. I took it home and hid it under my pillow. I took it to school everyday, so that nobody could take it from me. It was a childrens book but it taught me how to cry and laugh. All of the sudden it felt like my heart was bursting with emotion. It was the first time I felt... sad. I don't understand why. But things started to change. I stopped going to school for a while and instead I would go to the library and read every book they had. I was buried in mountains of them by the end of the day. To be fair they were short, but the librarian brought me some books from home. Even though they weren't for grade school kids. They weren't explicit or anything either, but they had heavier themes. And I would cry because of the tragedies that would happen to the characters in them. I never cried before that. And I never cried after that.
-
"Minjun?" The moon was already high up, spreading its silver light on the water before me and making it glimmer. When I turned around to see who said my name I noticed that it was the librarian. With her usual strange clothes and curly hair. She started walking down, on the grass, for a while I imagined what would happen if she would slip. But at the end of the day she would have probably simply gotten up and laughed it off.
"Isn't it a bit late for you to be sitting out here?" She looked at me, but then looked up to the moon since I didn't reply.
"I think I'm missing something, miss." Surprised the woman flinched a little, but she kept her gaze away from him, making sure she wouldn't make him uncomfortable.
"The demon was missing something too. His heart was empty, so he was hurting people. But then the angel appeared and he became his friend and everything ended up okay. But I don't think I could do that. I don't think I can like people."
"...well, you did end up liking these character. I assume you did or else you wouldn't have written a book worth of analyzes and multiple continuations. So what says you will never be able to like a person?"
"You're smart, miss. But you're just a librarian. I'm sure you could have done something better."
"Don't underestimate my job, kid!" With a grin she ruffled through his hair, then she slowly let the air out of her nose and closed her eyes. "Well... sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself or your chances to be someone better for another person. It's inconvenient, but it can't be helped." Minjun pouted a little when he heard that.
"Is love even so great when it's so bad for yourself?" She laughed again, I knew that she would always find it amusing what kinds of questions I'd be asking.
"Who knows. It doesn't have to be. But that's what I've chosen to do, so now I can't turn back on it." She got up, reaching out to me so I could grab her hand. My legs felt frozen from sitting around all night, but I ended up following her back on the street.
"Want me to bring you home?"
"No, it'll be better if I go on my own."
I knew she was kind. I could judge her based on what I've read. But I couldn't be thankful for what she did.
-
In all the books about demons it never mentioned how the demons became heartless. They never mentioned the hands crawling over them, their touch making you want to throw up in disgust, the eyes gazing at you with feelings that are... scary because you know looking into them what they are going to do and what they are thinking and how much it's going to hurt and bleed and there was fear and fear and fear. And from the beginning they only knew fear. And instead of finding safety in the eyes of their mother, they found more fear because of how cold they were.
That is just what happens. Every night when you come home you have to expect these strangers waiting for you and your mother forcing you into that room, your father punching you inside if you resist too much. And then they watch you. There's nothing you can do because you know it will only hurt more, so you give up.
But I wished they wouldn't be there that night. When I was still holding it in my hands and suddenly they burst inside, pullling me downstairs. I pressed it against my chest and they didn't care about it, but when I reached the room they all stared at it.
It's amazing how much power they feel destroying the only little happiness you have ever found. How much meaning they find in destroying purity. And he felt like he was being stared at by new pairs of eyes.
I'm so sorry.
-
Flames were gently touching my fingertips, burning them without causing too much pain, if anything it felt calming to feel the sharp heat against my shaking hands. I breathed out, briefly coloring the air in white, while watching pages turn to ashes and the now black parts flying up to the air. They were all crying. All the good demons and angels were crying. And these pages of paper that meant more to me than anything else were suddenly so different. It was like the devil rewrote it. The children were crying, defiled, shaking, upset, abused, killed. My eyes couldn't see it anymore. Instead of the book that gave me happiness I saw these pictures dancing in front of my eyes and they wouldn't go away. So I sent them away. I hope they are happier.
The flames were strangely beautiful. They seemed freeing. All of the sudden I wondered how they would look if they were bigger.
-
They're all disappearing. One by one. Each of their souls. Disappearing into the night. They're twirling and dancing in the dark sky, pulling strings of light and love with them. I could feel each of them go one by one, leaving me with a little twitch whenever they did. And on the sky stars would appear as in the distance sirenes were appearing. Were there ever stars on the sky in this city? It was always empty before. And suddenly everything was filled with so much life I breathed in sharply and was filled with cool air for the first time. My skin was prickling with excitement, my veins were pumping. I felt wonderful. So very alive. I was happy. It suddenly seemed to stupid that I ever held back. This world is owned by me and it will be eaten up by me. Every last oh so wonderful part of it. With a bright smile on my face I jumped up.
-
"Minjun?" As soon as I heard the librarians voice I turned around with a smile that suited someone my age perfectly. I stared at her, calmly and happily, while she was shaking, with rings under her eyes.
"It.. it really was you, wasn't it?"
"Oh miss, I can't tell you how wonderful you are for being with me during these challenging times. I finally understand everything you told me. So I burned that building down, for their sake. Imagine how much happier they must be now, up there... Gosh but you don't have a job now, do you? Well that's too bad. But it can't helped. For the greater good! For our loved ones! They shall all suffer a beautiful death."
My smile would only get wider and wider, I would start coming closer, she would take steps back and eventually she was on the ground, with tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry."
-
I lost the feeling in my hands after a few days. They caught me. And they threw me downstairs. The men weren't coming, but my parents would, screaming each time and hitting me worse everyday. I wondered where they had that strength from. I couldn't feel my body anymore. They gave me water from time to time.
"Mommy? Mommy? Please help me... please help me..." I would whisper while she was beating me and her entire face would be filled with so much hatred it's like she personified it. Like there was nothing in there but hatred.
"Don't! Don't call me that you useless, disgusting child! Do you know what you have done?! You know nothing, you never did, you could only be this piece of shit that drives me insane! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EXIST? WHY?"
I do wonder, why? If you hate me so much, why do I exist? But is it my fault that I do? Isn't it yours?
Shouldn't you take responsibility for your decisions?
Yeah, exactly like that. Everytime you hit me it felt like that, every time they raped me it felt like that, but worse, but worse, so much worse you'll want to die before I'm done with you. I'll make it worse. I'll make it so bad that you'll scream for forgiveness and you'll regret being born into a world that creates monsters like me.
You don't want to hear what I thought then.
-
Well, I'm aware of the story from the on. The police came to talk to your family again, but then they saw... your parents. Dead. They saw you. And they took you with them, from one mental health institute to another. You've apparently only gotten worse. Although here you seem to make progress... you actually take your medication here. It seems like the freedom you've been getting has been good for you... Minjun? What are you-